Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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