I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
