There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
