I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
