i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
