In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
