I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
