dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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