What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think my vagina is haunted
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
