well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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