ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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