oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
