my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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