Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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