I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
