She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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