did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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