Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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