I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
In America we eat man semen.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
