Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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