When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
