I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
