maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
