my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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