I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
