It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
