Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
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The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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