I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
