You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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