My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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