so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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