I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
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my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
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His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions