At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
