this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
