I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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