Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
