just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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