Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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