i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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