OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
