If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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