Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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