I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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