I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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