i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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