You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i was born a porn star she said
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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