I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Nicole vs. Life
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
