it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
