We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
