awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
