And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
