I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
