I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Your dad touched me again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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