Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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