your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
