i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
