quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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