our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Princesses don't give blow jobs
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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