My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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