All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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