This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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