I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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