after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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