I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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