Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
