if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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